it's about time

in other news,

1 project
1 presentation
2 quizzes
4 finals
18 days until california

uhh

mediocre. mediocracy. too much of it lately

it's that time of the year again- midterms
I just wanna feel my limbs again!!

i keep seeing everything as a social institution lately and it's annoying as hell.
lots of thoughts lately- oh, yknow, just a little old me being all profound and shit
words are so inadequate. Not for just specific feelings, but for everything. Like, who decided that certain syllables and letters will encompass my experiences, my day, my feelings, and my thoughts? wtf?! if experiences are so personal to one, then how did we all decide as a collective mass, that we'll all agree to agree that the letters h a p p y and the syllables of ha ppy will mean one thing? ridiculous. Except how else would you communicate?!?!?!

religion is such a fascinating institution that I have a hard time getting over it. When things are just kind of interesting, I get over it real fast. Like, schools. It's interesting that people today feel so fucking compelled to learn so much- do they really like learning? maybe. but for most, probably not. But i understand the institution of higher learning, so I get over that.
But religion is in its whole other playing field. and I will probably never understand it, so i'll probably never get over it.

and that's it for my procrastination until 3!

love,
a-real-adult-yoona

fuck, I don't want to watch sabo die too.

we are born and die alone.
so why the hell do we care so much about what other people think?
why do we let our worth be defined by what someone else thinks?
live for yourself and to anyone who has a problem with that, fuck them.
suck it suckers.

life

it's as if you forget it's happening until you stop to think about it in a little more than two years i'll have graduated and be onto the next stage of my life which scares me shitless because it only gets harder from here and who knows what i'll be doing or want to be doing or think about doing and will i be happy doing whatever i'm doing and will i regret not doing something else and if that something else may have been more lucrative if i could do it all over again would i and is it sad if i say yes sometimes i think about the things i regret the time i've wasted the time im wasting now and if i had been doing something else in that time how different would it all be how different would my life be if i had made different choices if i had decided to do this or that or decide to be there instead of here and stuff sort of off topic but i think people complain too much about their lives and forget to be thankful for what they have some people are incredibly ungrateful and myopic and are stuck in the now then there are some people who like to hear their own voice like engineers who think they're the shit even though they're really not and just better at math and stuff like really we all have tests and stuff what makes yours any different and the same thing with people complaining about midterms and finals i mean you go to college what did you honestly expect i mean we go to college to learn not that i dont complain and stuff but taking tests is sort of fun when you're actually doing the test and know all the answers and stuff and when you dont the satisfaction of figuring it out and i guess it sucks when you don't but everything is a learning experience and you really do learn from your mistakes i guess the only part i don't like is the anticipation but once you get there and are sitting with it in front of you i always feel so serene because nothing else matters except for you and the test and all your hard work and effort pays off hopefully and you know thats really all you can ask for when it comes to that sort of stuff you do your best and sometimes your best isn't good enough and if it isn't you just try harder and spend more time next time and i really should learn to not get so hung up on certain things that really in the big picture are quite small i wonder where we'll all be in 20 30 years will there ever be peace in the middle east this is why i don't like the middle east because they are always fighting about something are they genetically hardwired to be more belligerent and violent and the way they treat each other and other people and women is simply horrible i really am thankful i live in the us where i have so many freedom and rights and im also glad im not a woman living there not that theres anything wrong with being woman because im not misogynistic or anything but i feel so sorry for them i read this quote from some egyptian who basically said something long the lines that he didn't care who takes over the government as long as they upheld the old arabic laws which basically restricts freedom of religion and women's rights i mean how freaking selfish is that and i also think the us should try and get more involved even though the us is always getting involved in things it really shouldn't be but egypt is one of the biggest countries in the middle east and next to so many important and unstable countries and if bad people take it over it can't be good for the already super fucked up region im also so incredibly thankful for my parents who love me so much and sacrifice so much for me without ever asking for anything in return and who always support me no matter what it may be and im so fortunate to have grown up in the family that i did which makes me very homesick but i really hope that i can be rich and have a good career so i can start to pay back my parents even though what they have done is priceless its also chinese new years and i always liked chinese new years at home even though i generally dont care that much about my culture and heritage and i think one day i want to have kids because kids are kind of like pets but harder to take care of and cost more money but sometimes i think kids are only cute when they're young and when they grow up and start to think about things and have their opinion they get annoying especially because kids are generally quite selfish and only think about themselves but of course they are plenty of people who are also like that and are super selfish and only think about themselves and especially i think sometimes guys who think they're hella entitled to certain things because of they way they were raised especially in families where its like the kid can do no harm and everyone is subservient and like only exist to fill their needs i hate those motherfuckers and there are a lot of those people and i hate people who think they can get anything if they have enough money another thing that is sort of surreal to me is what it wold be like to be a different person with different perspectives and thoughts and life experiences and how we all see the world so differently even though we're all living in the same one life is short i hope i dont waste it and i hope i dont wake up one day wondering how the hell i got there and why im there and not somewhere else i guess i just hope i dont wake up some day full of regrets regrets for what i could have done differently

to look life in the face, always, to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. at last to know it, to love it for what it is, and then, to put it away. - the hours

avoiding stress

avoiding stress=1. avoiding work 2. avoiding procrastination
1. avoiding work=watching tv= a. feeling shitty about avoiding work b. never doing the work and saying, fuckithahaha!
a.feeling shitty about avoiding work=coming back to a pile of shit with less time to do it.
b. never doing the work and saying fuckithahaha!=being fucked for life.

2. avoiding procrastination=doing work=not sleeping= a. being grumpy and stressed b. feeling accomplished and being a happy and positive person in general.

i'm definitely NOT 2b. more like 1a. and failing at 2a.

i'm not stressed out and cranky or anything. just hella positive, yo!


zomggg I LOVEEE midterms <3 <3 <3 <3 <3333

WHO KNOWS HOW TO CHANGE THIS BACKGROUND? SOMEONE GET ON IT PLEASE. BLACK IS NO LONGER COOL.

I am not heartless

When we see people who are alone, almost unwillingly, we become sorry for them. Could this empathy be evolutionary in nature? Evolution has shaped us, without knowing, to put passing on our genes as a necessity. Do we pity people who are alone because they will never have that opportunity? No. I don't think evolution would have selected for empathy. Evolutionarily-wise, shouldn't we be happy when someone is alone because then they are not our competition? Why aren't we happy when we see people who are maimed or diseased? Aren't they too, in some ways, not going to prosper as well in this gene driven world? Are people who are lonely, driven to suicide because they will never have that opportunity? With no contribution to the gene pool, taking themselves out of the equation, like some twisted form of kin selection, would allow others to proliferate, no? When disabled, do we become depressed because somewhere, millions of years ago, it was hardwired into us that disabilities were not conducive to prospering? What is the origin of empathy?

Are thoughts of suicide a result of millions of years of gentle manipulation to our genetic material? After all, psychologically imbalanced people who commit suicide are preventing themselves from passing on defective genes (Of course, not all mental diseases are genetically based). Are suicidal instincts therefore, one of nature's ways of tidying up the gene pool?

Don't worry.I am not a psychopath. I realize this is highly insensitive. Obviously, I haven't really thought this through;these were just some thoughts I had today. Please don't take this seriously.

Happy birthday to me!

and Goodbye childhood.

I've been twenty for two hours now. My family called when everyone was trying to sing to me, so I didn't really get to talk. I want to call home but I think I'll probably end up crying on the phone so I probably shouldn't. I'd be so ostracized if anyone read this, but the only sure thing that I know won't change is my family. The friends that I make here may come and go, and I may love them so obnoxiously right now, but who knows if I still will the next month? In fifteen years? I should've talked to my family on the phone and made my friends wait. Not so great decisions.

The saddest and the hardest part about getting older is accepting the way things are. Starting with I'm not going to be able to be fed and babied by my parents forever, and that there will always be ups and downs in my life, and that not everything lasts forever and that growing up means parting with things that don't belong in your adulthood life. But on the upside, now that I am twenty, there is only one more year to wait until I can go to Elephant Bar and legally order a drink, and.....
and....
and......
and....
AND...?

I'm sure I'll get wiser.
and hopefully a little smarter.
I wish I was home and my mom made me seaweed soup for my birthday. Not that the first two hours of my birthday haven't been great. But I miss what I'm used to. I can't tell if I'm just bummed because I miss home or because I'm an old fartbag.

Ok. As a twenty year old, I'd like to be less arrogant, selfish, and judgmental. I'd like to be more caring, warm, and gracious. I'll leave my foolish, arrogant, judgmental parts of me (not all of it, of course) and try to act more grownup.

Updates:
My life was consumed by recruitment for the past week and two days and if there's one thing that I learned, it's that this world is a very judgmental and superficial and scary scary place where you need to protect your mental health.

My search for my perfect summer internship has not ended.

and lastly, I continue to be stunned by the crazies that are in this world. By crazies, I mean the people delusional with whatever the media and the government and other institutions have created. And that last sentence was totally not what my more grownup self should be saying.

But then again, who knows what grownups should be saying?!